Firetop

It’s not often you come across a situation where you think you’re going to be killed, the last time it happened to me was back in 2000 on a holiday with Suzie_Q in Rhodes. We went out touring the island in an open topped Suzuki jeep with a couple we met there (Ali and Tracy) and discovered he couldn’t drive (a London bus driver). We narrowly missed falling fences, passing cars and 500ft cliff drops all day – something seemed to be out to get them, Suzie_Q and I never held hands so tight before. The next day we gave it a miss and later learned that they’d crashed – both were flown to Athens hospital. So it was with much horror that we discovered a driver of more dangerous proportions taking us to the Wedding reception some half hour’s journey away on Saturday.

When you haven’t hired your own car you have only yourself to blame I suppose, but the old lady ‘kindly’ driving us to Villa Angelica from Ortona could not have passed a driving test. She was incapable of driving in a straight line, missed numerous crash barriers and tunnel entrances by inches not to mention the cars she was overtaking after sitting behind them at no more than a foot of distance. She even drove on the left instead of the right, all at eighty miles an hour in a little Cinquecento. “Schumacherâ€? she said laughing, “Ralphâ€? I replied. Suzie_Q, Mr Bob, and I were praying, I was seriously contemplating asking her to stop so I could get out and walk. Luckily I was navigating so we arrived as quickly as possible. After the near death ride we discovered the wedding venue of dreams.

Villa Angelica is like a huge Italian Villa, complete with swimming pool, decorated inside like an American Ranch. Set in the Abruzzo hills it has panoramic vistas to take your breath away. Over 300 guests invited from eight o’clock onwards to share two delicious seafood buffet courses and champagne outside, followed by a fabulous seven-course meal inside the restaurant from 10pm.

I discovered that night, that queuing for buffet food isn’t the done thing either in Italy; it was a fight for food outside - who could get their plate out furthest to the serving waiter? It was like airport check-in at Stansted airport all over again. We learned that Italian weddings are not about drinking; they’re about eating, eating and eating. After five hours I couldn’t eat another thing, the desserts were served at about 1am. Then came the dancing and the Italian style coffees. I certainly won’t forget this wedding, I couldn’t really even if I wanted to as I ate so much that being drunk was just plain impossible.

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