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Commuting is no easy task, not only is there a one hour journey in a cramped seat to contend with, but one or more of the following passengers will be in your carriage to guarantee an unpleasant journey. Here I identify them, and give them advice to make them more amenable to fellow commuters.

1. People having conversations
If you’re boarding a train with a friend, go and find somewhere less populated to have your chat about how much weight your sister has lost or whether she has good dress sense. If there are passengers already in a carriage, and they are quietly reading or working, it is good etiquette to keep silent and not wander in like you’re at home in your front room. We will all be listening to your conversation and quietly passing judgement.

2. People on mobile phones
You’re not quite as bad as those identified in 1.  because at least we can’t hear both sides of the discussion you’re having, however, why do you have to shout? If you have to use your mobile phone for a ‘chat’ then go and stand in the doorway and talk quietly. Don’t have your ring tone set to loud – what’s wrong with the vibrate function?

3. Boys wearing Hoodies playing MP3s into the carriage for all to hear
This is probably a new trendy thing to do but why do we want to hear your music played on a tin-pot little mobile telephone? You could at least bring in a sub woofer and provide a decent sound system. Seasoned commuters will glance at you to show their annoyance… but they won’t say a word in case they get stabbed, you’re pretty safe to continue irritating people… but you already knew that didn’t you.

4. People with excessive volume on headphones
How hard is it to check how loud your headphones are before you put them into your ears? I have headphones and find it easy to do. Often I end up listening to somebody else’s headphones over the music of my own finely adjusted pair. It’s just plain rude to expect commuters to listen to your tinny din, if you want us to hear your music I suggest you follow the advice given to the Hoodies in 3. re: ‘sound systems’. I have noticed that ipod headphones seem to be louder externally than most others – so if you have one you’re at risk of being an offender.

5. People who rush to get on their train, get hot… and open all the windows
I have some news for you, when you run for the train wearing a coat you will get hot. When you get into the carriage it is not hot – you are hot and your body is trying to lose some heat. If you take off your coat you will cool down. It actually is quite unnecessary to open all the windows making everybody in the carriage cold.

6. Sleepers and snorers
Snoring loudly on the train initially brings mild amusement for many fellow commuters, but after a while it also becomes irritating. You know you’ll need to be woken up at the final destination – at which point you’ll be completely unappreciative of being woken, preferring to wake up in a siding somewhere.

7. The train conductor who won’t shut up
It’s not just the passengers who are an irritation on trains. For some reason there are one or two train conductors who think that between every station they have to advise us of all 15 stops, remind us about security, and tell us where they are located in the train (which makes no sense when you yourself have no concept of where you are located). Generally these conductors don’t seem to have learned to speak English, making their repeated efforts all the more unbearable. It always reminds me of school – the kid who volunteered to read out loud was always the one who actually couldn’t read, perhaps they become train conductors?

8. People that walk slowly and in the middle of platforms, subways and carriages.
If you’re slow you should know it – there will always be a steady stream of people stuck behind you.  Stick to the left or right to allow others to pass and catch their connections; you should know that you can’t keep up the pace so remove yourself from slowing the progress of human evolution. Why you bought yourself that pull along case I don’t know, you’re slow enough already without stopping at every flight of stairs to adjust the handle.

The good news for these people is that on the ‘drunk train’ (the last train of the evening) all these rules go out of the window – it’s happy hour and anything goes!

Technorati Tags: commuting by train, railways, commuters

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