Firetop

Suzie_Q started up a baby blog a few months into her pregnancy, I’ve steered clear of commenting on too many baby matters other than at scan time (and I didn’t even mention the 34 week where baby looked like a Tuscan Raider). As the time nears for Junior’s arrival (due in eleven days) I thought I’d cover the main impacts of pregnancy from the male perspective. Of course it can never be as painful an experience for the man as the woman; I’m not carrying around an extra two stone of weight on my stomach (yet…) and won’t have to give birth - exposing my privates to a room of strangers, but there are implications for us blokes.

Pros of your partner’s pregnancy:
> The joy of knowing you can reproduce, so many people seem to have trouble conceiving but thankfully we managed it with amazing ease. At a recent party I was advised to sell my services on eBay… but I looked into that and it’s illegal.
> I’ve felt much more protective of Suzie_Q and our unborn offspring, small things can seem like a very personal attack, dangerous drivers annoy me immensely. This protective instinct isn’t a negative though, it feels rather good.
> A sleepy wife – mid afternoon naps are commonplace in my house for Suzie_Q – providing perfect peaceful time for Xbox Live sessions… Lost Planet never saw so much of ‘Matt Mercenary’.
> Pregnancy is a bonding experience for both partners - no question; discovering new things together and doing the DIY (as commanded by pregnant wife) is quite enjoyable.
> In early pregnancy you have a dedicated driver at all times – leaving you free to consume as much alcohol as you like at parties.
> You’re becoming an official adult, you’ve always wondered if one day you’ll wake up and feel like an adult – the responsibility of being a Dad makes you realise that day is coming sooner than you think.
> Knowing you’re investing in cheap web production staff available in about fourteen years time adds a cost saving incentive to all pregnancy related tasks.

Cons of your partner’s pregnancy:
> Emotions run higher in a pregnant woman; she has less patience for your usual laziness (especially when nest building). She is more liable to cry at seemingly insignificant moments – such as the sight of a lost dog poster on a lamp post.
> Most lifting, carrying and trolley pushing is right out of the question for an expectant mother… it’s not the lifting effort which is annoying, just the odd interruption to whatever you would otherwise be doing.
> Your office and home to your entire collection of two hundred Star Wars items will be replaced with the nursery, relegating your PC to some corner of the dining room. You’ll get to know your loft and shed a lot more than you ever did before.
> Stress and worrying – there is an increased level of worrying when your partner goes waddling off to the town to buy one small item, this results in ‘some’ extra volunteering to go yourself – especially in the latter stages.
> Pregnant women cannot empty cat litter because of the risk of toxoplasmosis, this means you have to empty all litter for a whole nine months.
> Pet food bowls and electrical sockets are also too low to reach, you’ll have to switch on lots of electrical appliances and feed the cats when beckoned.
> Attending NCT classes is enlightening – discovering all the changes that are happening to your partner’s body… but the pain relief session makes you realise how little you will be able to do to help – this is frustrating.
> Having to shave your partner’s legs for them in the bath – need I say more?
> Sleepless nights – don’t be fooled into thinking that this comes after baby arrives, it starts during pregnancy due to mum-to-be’s much more frequent trips to the toilet and food scavenging trips. Ear plugs and an eye mask are recommended – but eventually you’ll just have to sleep in the newly prepared nursery on sofa cushions.
> In the final month of pregnancy you can’t drink any alcohol in case you need to rush off to the hospital when mum’s contractions kick in… she won’t be driving herself.

On the whole your first pregnancy is exciting if a little overwhelming on the responsibility front. It’ll change your life from the moment you discover the good news in ways you don’t expect. You’ll become an expert on topics you slept through in sex education lessons at school… and enter the new world of baby small talk, DIY and nearly new sales.

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